Chapter 24

Love… who so you fall in love with? She wonders to herself. It suddenly crossed her mind… what do you look for in love? What is it that makes you fall for someone? Her ex-bf was not a handsome person, neither is he a successful or extraordinary person. But what is the reason for her unconditionally attention and care for him? And how did it all ended. All she can think of is that, when you are in love, there’s no right or wrong in justifying why you like and care for someone. Once a wise old lady told her that, if you can find a reason other than “you love him because of him” that’s not a strong love. Because when the reasons to your love change, your love will change together with it.

So what matters? Does looks matters? Or does what lies in within matters?
She thinks hard about it, yea looks matters of cause. It matters because by looking at someone and having the feeling of comfortable, then and only then you can open up to someone. But do not get it the wrong way, when she says looks matters doesn’t mean that it must be good look or model type handsome, but instead it’s the looks of a person with sincerity. A form of firm chemistry between two people.

But above all, what lays in between matter the most. How that person is. What he is like when he is around you and without you. The real person behind the physical mask. His heart! That is what matter most. And that’s the reason behind why one can fall in love or be in love with another human being unconditionally and inevitably in love… what really shines is none other than sincere heart.

And so why did she ever broke up with her boyfriend if he’s all that and nice to her. Well, the one mistake that she makes was to only focus on him and the love that she had. Relationship is never meant to be only you and him. Relationship should take into consideration of all the things around it. Relationship must also be of two way communication, two way love and two way interactions. She was too in to her love that she has for him. On the other hand, his feelings were divided into two. His life as a young boy and the life that he has with his girlfriend. He couldn’t blend it together, he couldn’t make decision and commitment to her. He loses and chooses his life down the road of fun and drugs. He betrayed her and broke all the promises that he made to her. He broke her heart.

And now, though it’s petty and kind of pathetic, but she keeps liking and having crush with the guy that she sees in the television. Yup, it is pathetic isn’t it? But somehow, no matter how the actor looks like physically, she always end up liking the character in the movies or dramas. It is then that she realizes that, looks doesn’t matter. What matters, is how the person is. The characters were created in such that they possess the things that one’s heart is looking for. That goes the same for real life situation.

You can fall for someone just because of their looks. However, you tend to get attached to someone because of how they are. And when that happens, the feelings surpass everything else including looks. That is when you will find yourself liking and admiring everything bout him/her. Everything about the person turns out to be the cutest thing you ever seen.

And she chooses and hope to be in love with the average guy, like many of those she sees in tv... not the one with good looks, but the one with the shiny heart.
But I guess none that she met so far possess the shiny heart that she's waiting for...

♥

Chapter 23

Love, what is love. Can you please tell her what it really means?

Feelings? Is that it? Not entirely. Lust? Is that it? Not entirely. Care? Not entirely. Love is there, existed in many ways and form. Appears as and when it wants to. Disappears as and when it wants to. Fluster you and hurt you when it wants to. As and when it wants to. And you simply are a fool, pabo for love. Cry and laugh for it, worried and carefree for it, bleed and fly for it. Sucker for love. Hopelessly romantic and last but not least love can make one to be self destructive. Not in any bad ways but somehow it just can really crashes one’s dreams and you can really end up feeling really low as low as the lowest one can really feel. It hurts a lot doesn’t it?

This is what love is all about, complicated and weird and no matter how much you thought you understand it, well, you actually don’t. It’s the matter of the heart.

So, what is love? How do you differentiate it? How can she differentiate it?

She watches loads of love movies and dramas. She read loads of love stories and she to listens to loads of real life experiences. But as the matter of fact, in this world, this real world… there’s too much fake love, cheatings, infidelity and insincere love. Still does it counts? Is that too called love?

If one looks from the front side of it, it doesn’t really seem to look like there’s much love in it. But, when you look from the side of it or perhaps from behind or above it all, from different side of the story, you can actually find that there’s perhaps some sort of love in between too. (Rubbish? Don’t understand?)

Imagine husband and wife or gf and bf… then the husband cheats on the wife or vice versa… one look at it, it’s actually bullshit no love and cheating. But if you look from another side… only because the husband or wife had found love with others that drives them to do so. And the question here is which is the real love? What are it then that is categorized as love. Which then is the right one?

At the end, what everyone should know, because love is such and its complicated as it is, love is blind. It drives you to the extent that you never thought you would actually be, do, say or perhaps give up your life for it. How ironic and tragic. Despite all that harms and pain, love is beautiful, nice and cloud 9.

She wants to be in love despite all that’s been said, done and felt. She wants to find that someone, that real someone. Is he anywhere out there? Is she even going to stand a chance?
Her picture of love is pretty much influenced by television. Such fairytales. But her past love life experience awaken her from the beauty of it. Yet still she is willing to give love a chance. Will love in return give her the same chance? Will love come knocking on the door to her heart once more?

♥

Chapter 22

It can be tiring for her, as the matter of fact it is very tiring for her… the journey and phrases that she has to go through in the process of healing her broken-heart. To be out of the bubble and start a new one. It is like as though there’s a very thin line in between or rather it’s like a crossroad or a maze or anything you want to call it. Situations and emotions can be real deceiving. One day you are okay and you thought that you are out of it entirely, but the next day you started to feel bad and wonders if you were even out of it in the first place.

She knew she will eventually be out of it, and she knew that she’s half way through. And so she got to be strong and keep her chin up and not to fall for his white lies again.

It was her girls-get-together time with her friends. They went for some window shopping to look-see-look-see, have a drink and listen to some live band music. It’s always nice and comforting for her to have her girlfriends around to hang out with and share their feelings and lend a shoulder to cry on for each other.

She was there for them and they were there for her. There’re just so many other types of problem out there in the world with so many different circumstances. She realizes that hers is definitely not the worst and so she should toughen up.

Life is full of colors, love is full of emos, humans are not perfect, and somehow in some way that is the beauty of life. Maybe what some of us really need in life are not really perfections but comfort and attention.

And she too is fitting in for her comfort level.

What is her level of comfort?

♥

Chapter 21

This has been harder than she thought it would be. The feeling of down and draggy can still be felt even on the next day. What is this feeling she question herself. She was puzzled by what she felt. She was so determine to let go and was so sure that she’s over it. If that is so then why is she affected by him? Is this just a temporary phrase. A normal phrase everyone had to go through in order to let go and move on. Does this feeling of annoyed, hurt, down, sadden mostly pain and uneasiness, normal for everyone? Did you ever doubt your decision of leaving? Did you ever wonder what is the “What if” of not leaving? Were you ever bothered by the dreams that you had the night before? Were you puzzled by what the intentions of the other person is?

For a moment there, she would like to convince herself that its only normal for someone to feel, react and wonders. And because its only normal for a human to feel that way, the sooner she can overcome this feelings of back and forth, the better her life will be. The truth is, she cant avoid any types of pain. She has to go through it and get over with it. till there is no more pain to be felt, only then it will not bother her. As much as one doesn’t wanna hit rock bottom in order to bounce back and stand strong, rock bottom really is the only remedy to make one totally get over something.

As much pain as there is for her to feel, she knows that its only going to make her stronger and live better.

♥

Chapter 20

This is harder than she thought it would be… its harder because she just need to go through the part where she has to accept the fact that everything that is been going about her ex will somehow rather be intertwine with hers in some ways or another.

She really thought it’s over and done with. Avoiding isn’t as easy as she hope it’ll be. She wishes for her not to speak of him anymore, not to have to deal with things that are related to him as much as she used to deal with… but here’s the truth… guess it’s never going to happen that way…

One way or another, anything and everything will still be there.

Everything was perfect for her… for a moment that is…

Everything was according to her way and she was really into moving on with her life. She has her own thing going on, her work is advancing and she’s happy with her surrounding and life. The life where she feels free to breath, no burden and pain poking through her heart and soul.

But he suddenly appears again out of nowhere… well technically he was never gone, but he wasn’t that daring to come near her. The most is only text and phone calls. Somehow, during the auspicious celebration and festival, he came to her house for a visit. What??? Long story cut short, he manages to make his way to her house to visit her sibs and parents. Yeah, they had no problem with him being a friend of mine, or friend of the family…. But then again, what was he thinking? What is the utter motive behind the visit? Was it purely out of respect? Which is highly doubtful, because it has been 3 years since they broke up and had he not once came to her house for any visits and why now? Was the motive behind it all is to hurt or annoy her? It was pure luck for her as she was out from home to get some stuff from the shop. At least she doesn’t have to deal with him being there, just have to deal with the fact that he was there.

Days later after that very day, she found out that he has also been speaking or seeing her circle of friends. What’s going on, why was he making effort to somehow be seen and be heard? Was he trying to make a new path in his life?

She did however been receiving 4 text message from him during this holiday festive season. All 4 messages were to seek for forgiveness. She being herself who doesn’t think bad about people and always trying to be positive, came to a conclusion… as much as she wanted to move on and open a new book… maybe he too wanted to find a closure to move on and open a new page…

She prefers to think about it that way. Wishing the rest of the things to goes smooth as she sails the wide sea of life.

♥

Chapter 19

There were times when she feels that she doesn’t need to be in relationship. There were times when she thought to herself that being all by herself is better as it is. But what is really right and what is really wrong. As long as it makes her happy, isn’t that the most important thing?
There were numerous points that can be pointed out for as to why one is better than the other. She knew that both situations either to be in a relationship or to remain out of relationship has its own pro and cons. Depending on what is the objective of her life at that point in time, she should just make decision on what will make her more happy and comfortable.

Being single is not all that bad. Being single let you know yourself a little closer and it allows one to grow up and be more independent. She needed the space of being alone, she is able to make her own decision without having to think about someone else’s needs or rather without being influenced by someone. It’s not that it is all bad to have someone to think of, but when considering other makes you restrict yourself from being more and great, that is really a situation to be scrutinized.

Once she was given the opportunity to study abroad. Her dad gave her the choice to choose either to go over to Australia, United Kingdom, and Ireland, New Zealand or any other places of her choice. But she was dumb enough to thanks, but no thanks. Was she even in a correct state of mind to actually throw the opportunity away? YES to others but NO to her at that point of time. You see she was really in love with her ex-bf. She was a very darling gf. He obviously dislikes the idea. She doesn’t want her bf to worry sick about her. And she herself hated the thoughts of being away from him. Not forgetting that the lifestyle is obviously going to be different, there’s not gonna be night time shopping session and there won’t be frappuccino session with her close friends. She just couldn’t imagine life far away from her parents.

Above all that’s been said, she acted and makes a dumb decision. She now realizes that she should have grabbed the chance while it’s there. She should have take up the challenge. Girls, if the guy loves you as much as he said he did, then he will wait for you no matter how long how far you are.

She really regretted it. But she also knows that there’s no need to dwell in it. She accept ted that it’s her very own decision and so she has to stand by her decision and the consequences. She tells herself to learn from it instead of crying over it. Suck it up and move on to achieve the better.
Being single let her sees things clearly and let her to slowly know herself. Being single let her focus on what she wanted in life. So that there will not be any more regrets and mistakes.
She is very thankful of everything that happens. Mistakes are not bad, life is not about how many mistakes you managed to avoid. Life is about going and living through it, making mistakes is human nature, brave to deal with mistakes and improvise is what matters. That what makes you wiser, tougher and that what makes you who you are.

♥

Chapter 18

As she grew older, she realized that ultimately she was alone with herself most of the time. Though it might seem and look lonely, but honestly she grew to like it. Being independent was what she needed most in her life. One thing that some people don’t understand in life is that you come to the world alone and alone you’ll go back. So being alone is actually nothing new and shouldn’t be something worrying. There were many people around her, but seriously what matters is “Me, Myself and I”. And if one can stand being with oneself, she believes that one can stand almost anything.

She was on her way back from office. Driving though the traffic jam and so she often thinks to herself and self talk. She question herself the same thing the others were questioning her. “What is it that you are looking for? What is your preference?”

Well to be honest, she doesn’t know. Cause if she knew what precisely it is, she wouldn’t be here after all. She knows what her preference are and what she dislike, but in things like thing, there’s no right or wrong and there’s no pointing to what I want and should be. She believes it to be coming naturally. The way it should be with no interference. But at times she doubt it would happen the way she pictured it. She was a fairy tale girl. Everything she pictured is mostly fairytale like. But in this world, there’s no fairytale and fantasy. Everything works differently. There’s a very small chance of fairytale.

All she ever wanted in short is pretty much what all girls want. Someone who really love her with all his heart, who is honest to her for anything and everything, who is mature enough to accept her imperfections unconditionally for who she is and what she’ll become. As she will do the same for him.

She’s looking for someone who will say,
“I love you today, more than yesterday, less than tomorrow…”

♥