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She is a very optimistic person. And she likes to think positive and strive for the best in life. But somehow, life isn’t pretty at all, and life is cruel and vicious. It kills and it stammers on each and every hope, dreams and it blows off your every light away with its reality. She felt weaken at times. Her legs, knees, and deep down in her heart she shivers. It’s hard to stay strong. She was feeling much down today. She sometimes felt puzzle with the nature and order of life. She knows GOD is great and she believes in him with all his heart. But being a girl, human and being her... she couldn’t understand what is the miracle, greatness and reason behind everything that is happening. She wishes she could understand it… because she knows nothing that happens in life is bad. It might be bad in our very rough eyes, but the underlying is never a bad thing. And so she wishes she could understand, so as she could help aid her heart her soft heart to be stronger for each test there is in life. Thankful is what she feels and what she want to keep in her heart. Thankful is a good thing as it can help to keep one being humble. ♥
Mr Right = Mr Korean Guy
What’s up with that equation? Hahahha
Nothing is up… It’s just a symbolic or synonym that she uses.
In general, she does likes other international artist as well… she has some specific preference when it comes to admiring artists. She likes Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Robert Pattinson, Milo Ventimiglia and Ed Westwick.
But amongst all, she likes Kpop artists the most...
She is a mix parentage child. Her dad is a Malay and her mom is a Chinese. And so she tends to be very fond of guys who have the Chinese/Korean/Japanese look. You see… she loves to watch Korean drama, Variety Shows and also the Music scene… And as you all know, the Korean entertainment industry is very much well polished. The dramas and movies are well scripted and the actor and actress were well selected, good acting skills and the story lines are great too. When it comes to music scene, just take a look at the amount of time they spare for training and practices. To name a few just doesn’t do justice, cause all of them worked hard and they all look so good.
For her, being a typical girl in her own La La Land… she dream of meeting her own Mr Right a.k.a. Prince Charming… The kind that she pictured in her mind as an ideal guy would be as charming as the one that she saw in the TV (Television) :p The handsome, strong, tall and a charming guy. Fair complexion, the features… Romantic, kind, respectful, funny and loving… Family guy and have all the fairytale things that a girl can think of…
Since she watches loadsa Korean shows, therefore she imagine her Mr Right being somewhat like the guy that she sees on TV (Television) hahaha . Well that’s her wishful thinking that is… hahahaha
Until that one fine day came along… she will only have to imagine hahaha… poor thing…
Seriously, this little story~novel~drama is not about her finding a Korean guy in actual, but just a journey for her to open up and meet new people, getting over her break-up and moving on with life… and perhaps finally finding her very own Mr Right who has all her characteristic of her very own imaginary Prince Charming…
All the best…^^♥
She stayed calm, she’s not going to turn insane just because of this worthless guy, she told herself. The love that she had was quickly turning into annoyance. No matter what his reason being, she felt like she's being cheated... emotions runs errands.
At the end of the day, no matter what.. he is not her bf. And she knew the fact that they are not an item makes it alright in definition for him to have other friends or intentions other than her.
But what disappoint her the most was that.. all this while, all along he was the one who is after her in any means there is trying to get to her, talk to her and confessing to her. It was not her who is was after him, it was not her who makes all the calls and sending all the text. ‘Why’ is the main big question she has for him. Why? Why did he do this to her? Why is he playing with her emotions and disturbing her... If he wants to move on with his life and have new girlfriend, she had never stopped him. She has never hold him back. If he really want to move on than why is he still hunting her instead? Why play with her emotions and send miss and love messages to her. What game is it that he is playing? She couldn’t understand it. She couldn’t understand why he wanted to hurt her so badly so many time when she didn’t even do anything wrong. If there’s anything that she did that was wrong, is simply her foolishness to love him with all her heart.
It couldn’t be any better way to kill someone’s feeling and love other than this kinda sharp knife being thrown at the center of the heart.
She was bumped, but perhaps that was what she really need all this while. She needs to kill of the love she has for him. That’s the only way there is for her to move forward and to give life a chance of happiness. She wipe off her tears and make a stand that there will not be any more chances and there shall never be anymore him and her. It was the end that she wanted for all the lies, cheating and childishness.
She told herself, “Enough is enough. I don’t need this boy. I need a man. I certainly don’t need a boyfriend who hurt me”. And so from that day onwards… She starts a new life. She starts a new beginning. And she is on the journey to a happier life and adventurous journey to meet her MrRightGuy her very own 'My Korean Guy' (I'll tell you all about it later).
It’s an ending to something that is ‘so yesterday’, and a beginning to something new…♥
Her tears were running dry. She was feeling warn out with the depression and emotional rollercoaster. Her patience is thinning and there’s only so much that she can endure. She’s felt neglected and way taken for granted. She starts to see the truth behind her denial.
He doesn’t love her. She starts telling to herself, if you love someone so much you would rather do anything for the person, to be with that person in any state of situations. That’s how much she would give in for him. But he doesn’t have that in him, isn’t it clear enough for her to see? That he doesn’t love her as much as she did love him. It’s a simple case of dominating and selfishness.
And it was on that very moment that God make it such a way, she had the urge to browse through her facebook friends’ page. Accidentally, mysteriously and unfortunately she clicked on one of their mutual friend’s news feed for photo album. And that instant, her eyes begun to tears, it rolls unstoppable. It was his picture with another girl. Sitting down on the sofa with his hand and arm around her waist, and her hand was placed on his thigh. He was smiling and she was smiling. What was that all about?
It felt like a slap was thrown onto her face. You can literally hear a splashing sound of her heart being punch out to dust. Wasn’t it all enough pain already all this while? Was it all such a fun thing for him to play with her heart. Was it really that fun manipulating people’s feeling that way? This is way beyond acceptable. ♥
Through out the 3 years after breaking up... There were times when she contemplates her decision. Of cause it’s understandable that she still loves him, doesn’t she?. She was in denial for a long time. Telling herself that he might just change and be all different. Then he will once again be her knight prince who will sweep her of her feet.
There are several occasions where she would be soft hearted and replied to his text and at times she picks up his calls. Several times she opens up her heart again, believing that he could have change for her. She does miss him a lot. But after all the chances that she has been giving him, she was broken hearted again and again. Just when she thought that she might be able to trust him back, he went and blew it up.
Instead of impressing her and trying to make it up to her to prove that he really do deserve her, that he really want to work it out, he went out partying and still has not make the initiative to stop drugs, improve on life to finish up school on time and start to making a living. He was expecting her to accept him as he is, accept his life style though he knows that she would never be able to accept that kinda life style. He tried convincing her with his mere words and promises. But by now, she is not blinded with love anymore, she is determined to be out of the state of denial. He is just saying all those stuffs to ensure that she will be by his side. He gives her false hope, and she was holding to it as tight as she can.
Because of him, she stayed single for 3 years after the breakup. She didn’t even try opening up her heart to others. Not even to a new friendship. It really took a tow on her. She was consistently depressed. She’s learning on how to cope with moving on. She was fine and happy on the outside, but really no one knows what she is feeling. Though he was also single throughout the entire 3 years of breakup, it was different for guys. She really cares about what he would feel. She doesn’t want him to be hurt of her actions. So she restricted herself from even mixing with guys up to the extent that she doesn’t even want to be pictured together with her male friends. She really does care. However, he was doing the opposite. He was trying to create and start a fight with her of some sort. He didn’t behave to keep his act together. He went out partying, drugs and socializing. She was hurt by all of those, but putting bet on believing that the love that she has is true and strong, she closed one eye. She was giving up a lot for this relationship. She really do want him to change for the better. Not for the sake of her, but for the sake of himself and the future there is to be.
I guess its hard to for her, it hard for her to accept the fact that the person that she knew long time ago, the one who she grew together with, the loving person that she once knew.. has turn into this guy... this guy who she doesnt know anymore....
♥
It was then that she knew everything have to change. The world is not as pretty as she sees. The people that she knew for years might not be the person that she thought they were. The things in life might just not happen the way she wanted and planed it to be… She wants it different this time. She’s finally opening up… but, it’s not that easy as she thinks it would be.
How do you really get over your break up?
That is the thing that she needs to overcome and get herself free from. Even though she is single, it’s like he still hunt her down. He never wanted to let her go in the first place. He always wants her to himself, only to himself. He consistently calls her and text her on her mobile. He uses words and phrases that would very well make her heart emotionally touched. He knew it that she loves him still. He was using her emotions against her. He says things such as ‘miss you’ and ’love you’. He’s up to know about her whereabouts. He was all around the people she knew. He added her at facebook and other social networks. He would contact her alternate days, or once a week… it’s like he’s telling her not to let go. ♥
It was that night that she finally couldn’t stand it anymore. She consulted some of his friends to seek for the truth. She knew and felt that there’s something wrong with him. He was never like this, the guy that she knew will never treat her this way. And so her guts feeling was confirmed and right, he was involved with drugs. There’s no telling how she felt that day and for the rest of the 3 years which is up to now. The only word that can really represent her heart is SHATTERED into a million tiny pieces. Not only that it hurts so badly, it was smashed and grinded into tiny bits.
She knew it at that time that she had to leave. It’s the hardest thing to do, to turn away from your love and from someone who you really cared for, from what your hearts yearn the most. To turn away from your first love. But she had to do it, she knows that if she doesn’t, she foresee a dark ahead. Tears was falling like there’s no stop, endless sleepless night and heart aching. But she hold it up together as she knew that if she hold on and stay, he’ll take her for granted and he will never change. The love that they have can very well turn into hatred as the fighting continues. So she decided to leave…
But I guess walking away for 8 years of relationship, high school sweetheart, and first love… is never never never an easy thing… she endures the pain… How could him... how could him... how could him...♥
At that time, he was getting involved with drugs behind her back. She didn’t know a single thing. He loves her but he was just too upbeat with the outside world with his friends and with all the hype being a young man. All of those elements in the end makes him lied to her. He manipulated her in a very strategic way. Being the ever loving girlfriend, she listens to everything that he says cause she really cared about him, his feelings and she was trying so hard to make the relationship work and not to hurt him in any way, but I guess she work too hard. He was very good at manipulating her, he make it in such... She only sees what he wants her to see, she only hears what he wants her to hear and she only know the things that he wants her to know. He was a very jealous man. He can’t even stand it if there are guys around her, what more if there’s any guy who talks to her or called her on her cell. He follows her every moves, wherever she was at, he will definitely wants to know her every moves, not enough with that he will make a tour to see and check on her. The severe paranoia is due to the drugs that he was taking at that time. Things was pretty bad up to a point where they fought almost every day because of his paranoia and she ends up not meeting her friends for months. Even an outing with family is a pain for him. He was too jealous and too over the top.
At the same time, because he wants to keep up with his life, his social life, his friends and so he lied to her. He went partying behind her back and he etc.
He betrayed her trust and manipulated her feelings. She was losing grip. She was too sad and depressed with the situations and she felt like she’s suffocating and she can’t breathe as he wants to control everything and the tension between them was already so stiff. Tender turns to suspicious for him, everything that she does out of care, he will misinterpret it which leads to fighting.
It was that night that she finally couldn’t stand it anymore.♥
Today is a Sunday. Do you know what Sunday means? It simply means resting day no work haha… and as she lays in her bed, glancing at her blackberry phone, it is 9 in the morning. She thought to herself “this is not too late nor is it too early.. How I wish to sleep more. But this aching body is pressing for me to wake up.” Still refusing to wake up, she just lay down closing her eyes with her thoughts wondering.
There’s wedding ceremony to attend to today later noon time. Since it’s a school holiday season, there has been line ups of wedding ceremony events to attend to. Holiday season is like the perfect time for people to set their weddings as most of the invitees are free to attend the ceremony.
Once a close friend of her asked a question, “you’ve been single for quite awhile now, don’t you ever want to start dating again?” Those kind a questions are always been asked by people. To tell you the truth, she has hesitations in dating. She has been single for 3 years going to 4 years. That’s a pretty long period for someone to be single. Her past relationship which happened to be her first and only relationship ended and it hurt her a lot. The relationship that she really cared about for 8 years. She was a very devoted and loyal girlfriend. She cared about him and there’s nothing that can shake her off. But I guess what was not meant to be will never be. He loves her but maybe not as much as she loves him. He at times, in fact most of the time take her for granted simply because he knew that she loves him so much and she will always be there for him. How selfish is that. He end up ruining the relationship that they build for so long, shattered all her hopes away.♥
It’s a sudden news for her, it’s the death of her grandmother. Today is a pretty unexpected and hectic day. She went to work as usual and she’s been feeling alright all along until the phone call came in. It’s her father who’s ringing her. His words were “Grandma passed away” and it just didn’t strike her mind even a second that its grandma. So she was kind of blur, asking her dad “which, who’s grandma?” and he replied “it’s your grandma, back at the hometown, she died a few minutes ago”. She was puzzled still, “what? When? Of what sickness?” and her dad told her that he didn’t know the details and causes as of yet, and he hung up the phone. She called her siblings right away, asking for more details and info. What strikes her mind was, the journey that they need to plan to enable them to be in time for the funeral ceremony. She talked to her superiors, and emailed her boss. And then rushed back home. She’s mostly is worried about her dad. It’s grandma from dad’s side, it is his mom. Though we had some differences between us, grandma is still his mom after all. He sounded calm and composed, but she knew that it surely did sadden him. The differences that they have between them is because of race differences, more towards grandma and dad’s siblings being racist towards her mom and her siblings. The reason being is, mom is a Chinese and dad is a Malay. Typical Malay kampong thinking is to outcast the non-Malays. So they don’t quite approve the marriage from the very beginning, which makes them treating her with double standard treatments. It’s hard and it hurts, but she doesn’t care much because to her the most important thing in life is her parents and siblings, the rest of the things are simply not important to her. Throughout the journey back to hometown, she was trying to light things up and give morale support to her dad. And so far the situation all seems pretty good and well. She just wishes that she is able to be there for her dad whenever he is down and I know she will do well. These death event leads to her thinking about life and the perspective of it… will do the elaboration in the next chapter…. Till then….♥
Though she’s surrounded with wonderful peoples. Family is simply superb. Friends are the best that one can find. Colleagues are funny witty and easy to be around with. She tends to have lots of people going after her, man to be exact. But somehow deep down she’s alone, somehow her heart is closed... and she is single after all.
Every human is basically alone in this world, as much as this is to her, it applies to others too. I bet there are many out there who feel the way she did. So much going on yet so little for your own self. She wakes up each morning being with herself alone, up to work the journey is by herself alone, she’s at work concentrating and mostly are alone (despite that she has great colleagues, she doesn’t like grapevine activities and doesn’t mock around), head back home and yet still alone, before you know it its already three quarter (3/4) of the day is gone being alone, reached home time to clean up having dinner with family and chatted for awhile and there you go it’s time to sleep to regain energy for the next day. In a way, she is her own best friend. With that limited amount of time, she managed to squeeze time for all her other passions, quenching time to socialize with friends. She didn’t quite go out that often with friends as she used to when in college simply because, as you age you have more responsibilities and everyone is either busy working or busy building up family most are starting to enter to marriage life.
She is so eager to break out from this cycle. The cycle that you are in when you commit yourself to working the 9-5 job. She’s working on something else, she’s praying for it to kick off as she really put her sweats into it.
Let’s pray for her to….♥
Everything about her surrounding is all full with colors of life may it be good or bad. It is full with love, drama and it’s a never ending ongoing events. One after another something will surely to pop up. Obviously in reality, there are some good times and some bad times, but to her, anything and everything happens for a reason. Even if bad things tend to occur, she will always try to look at it in the best possible way. Those kind of thoughts are the only thing that can help to make one stay calm at those types of moments. Plus she will always try to avoid anything that could leads to depression. She’s been through some bad bad times in her 26 years of living by far, she try hard not to ever be in the same situation again. She will try, she will try to cheer up and face everything with a smile.
What’s it like being her for a day? Well, it’s pretty hectic. She has a lot of things going on in her plate. Let me remind you, she has a big family to attend to and also her personal life to live.
She is practically working like 24/7. Not technically working physically… but mentally that is for sure. Somehow she always finds comfort in things that she does. She likes to be creative and to develop her creative side. Though she doesn’t have much opportunity given to her, but she will try out new stuffs on her own and make the best of whatever resources there is available.
Throughout this story, you and I both will learn more about her and get to know her from a softer view.
Till then… ♥
